Understanding Triggers: From Pain to Healing

When a sudden noise, a tense email, or even a well‑meant joke makes your chest tighten, that’s a trigger. It acts as a sensory reminder that pulls your nervous system toward past pain. The trauma underneath is the wound itself, stored deep within your body and brain. Long after an event ends, its echoes can fire stress hormones in milliseconds, bypassing rational thought altogether. But why do some people shrug off the same stimulus that sends others spiraling? The answer lies at the messy intersection of personal history, collective memory, and culture.

The Divergent Reactions to Triggers

A growing body of research shows that “concepts of distress” are learned just as much as they are lived. In various communities—from Cambodian refugees to Afro‑Caribbean youth—people experience and treat trauma through the lenses of language, spirituality, and social roles. Thus, different stimuli can feel like courtesy to one person and danger to another.

My co-host (and mom) Karen captures this gap with a travel metaphor. When we fly abroad, we study local customs, yet at home, we often fail to show the same curiosity toward our neighbors. Instead, we center ourselves and react as if our interpretation were the only valid approach. This mindset can lead to mutual misunderstanding and, sometimes, severed friendships.

Embracing Cultural Humility

Scholars refer to the stance Karen describes as cultural humility. It’s a lifelong practice involving self‑evaluation, power‑balancing, and co‑learning. Unlike simple competence checklists, humility acknowledges that we will never master every cultural code. What we can do is arrive with a readiness to learn. University guidance underscores that this journey begins with self‑reflection and expands through active listening.

Studies on study-abroad alumni reflect this sentiment. Living amid unfamiliar norms enhances empathy and civic engagement. It challenges the misconception that one’s default behavior is universal. You don’t need a passport; just the willingness to treat every hard conversation as a new cultural experience.

Deep Listening Across Fault Lines

Communication specialists often describe deep listening as a three-part practice: noticing facts, tuning into feelings, and identifying the underlying values at stake. Picture a moment when you, a white woman juggling work deadlines and family expectations, finally feel someone reflect those layers back to you: “The proposal shifted last minute. You’re frustrated, and what matters most is reliability.” That breath of relief from being understood is what we owe everyone, particularly those whose experiences have been historically dismissed as “too emotional” or “too angry.” By extending this complete acknowledgment across racial lines, we close the gap between how we want to be treated and how we sometimes treat others. Karen and I often say, “I hear you” or “Thank you for hearing me,” not merely as politeness but as a commitment to reflect the dignity we all seek, even in tense situations.

Reimagining “Normal” in an Unequal Society

The traveler’s mindset challenges us to confront privilege. In spring 2024, a viral TikTok thought experiment dubbed “man or bear” asked women if they would rather be alone in the woods with a strange man or with a grizzly bear. Most chose the bear—a response stemming from a hidden, gendered fear: bears may be dangerous but predictable, while male violence is both prevalent and socially condoned.

For many Black women, this calculation extends even further. They may ask: Bear or White Women? Some choose the bear again. History teaches us that white feminine fear can mobilize lethal force, from the 1955 murder of Emmett Till to Amy Cooper’s 2020 911 call against bird‑watcher Christian Cooper. Each narrative carries the somatic message: stay wary; danger is systemic, not merely personal.

While some white readers might find these statistics shocking or hurtful, they unveil a crucial truth. Many personal triggers stem from individual wounds, while BIPOC triggers are intensified by systemic harm. Adopting a traveler’s mindset encourages us to honor these gaps without defensiveness. It reframes the narrative from “Someone is overreacting” to “Someone is responding to layers of danger I have never had to navigate.” This shift marks the beginning of genuine solidarity.

In a similar vein, viewing these signals as data, not drama is vital. When a colleague’s guarded tone or a passerby’s suspicious glance triggers alarm, curiosity—not correction—builds the necessary bridge toward understanding.

Everyday Practice: Weaving Humility into Daily Life

Let’s walk through a single scene—a workplace meeting gone tense—to see how cultural humility can transform the situation.

1. Pause the Projection. Your coworker’s raised voice makes your pulse quicken. Before labeling it “aggressive,” remember that some cultures see volume as passion, not hostility. A slow breath can interrupt the cortisol surge.

2. Name Your Lens. Silently remind yourself: I grew up in a setting where calm tones indicated safety; loud tones did not. This is not truth, but rather conditioning.

3. Send a Bridge Question. Try saying, “I’m sensing urgency—can you share what feels most pressing right now?” This inquiry focuses on their perspective, rather than yours.

4. Engage in Three-Dimensional Listening. As they respond, track the content, emotion, and the underlying value—perhaps it's inclusion or respect. Reflect their feelings: “Got it—you're concerned the new plan sidelines the regional team. Fairness is vital to you.”

5. Foster Collaboration. With shared needs in mind, brainstorm solutions together. Maybe you offer to adjust a proposal across time zones, transforming conflict into co-creation.

These actions don’t erase the original trigger. Instead, they rewire your response from defensive to exploratory. Over time, these small choices build strong relational skills, far more reliable than instinct alone.

Why This Matters Now More Than Ever

The United States is not heading toward homogeneity. In fact, the U.S. Census Bureau predicts that by around 2045, no single racial or ethnic group will make up more than 50 percent of the population. This demographic tipping point is already visible, as the 2020 census marked the under‑18 population as “majority‑minority” for the first time. Attempts to bring back a mythical era of cultural sameness—those nostalgic calls to “take our country back”—are not harmless. Social-science research illustrates this phenomenon as demographic threat. When groups accustomed to default power fear losing their status, they often double down on exclusionary policies that negatively impact communities of color.

We emphasize that this reaction is both myth and menace. It hinders collective grief from evolving into collective growth. Clinging to a narrow cultural template only layers additional trauma on already wounded groups while denying white communities the innovation and resilience that diversity brings. A traveler-style empathy—approaching others as guests eager to learn—provides an antidote. It shifts the narrative of demographic change from a zero-sum competition to an expanding collaborative story rooted in curiosity, accountability, and shared power.

Final Reflection

Next time a conversation stirs up an old wound, take a moment to consider the story your body is conveying. Ask yourself what experiences may be influencing the other person’s reactions. Treat this moment like stepping onto unfamiliar terrain: keep your eyes open, hold your assumptions lightly, and ready your heart for learning. Share your insights with us—tag @WhiteWomenWakeUp or email us at hello@whitewomenwakeup.com. Together, let’s map this journey toward understanding.

Stay curious, be open, and keep waking up.

-Jonelle