The Hard Work of Letting People Be: White Women and the Urge to Convert

Last week on our podcast, my mom and I unpacked a topic that hit close to home for both of us: what does it really mean to let people be? The conversation started after my mom attended a church service that brought up an old, familiar tension. She described feeling deeply uncomfortable hearing language that encouraged members to "bring people into the fold," a polite way of saying, convert them to our way of thinking.

That discomfort lingered because it revealed something bigger than religion. It exposed a cultural reflex many white women share: our learned belief that goodness means alignment, and that acceptance somehow requires agreement. For so many of us, especially those raised in white, Christian, or middle-class communities, this idea has been quietly reinforced for generations.

The White Feminine Impulse to Convert, Correct, or Control

Karen  said something that stuck with me:

"So much of our white culture has been embedded in religion, whiteness, and patriarchy that good often means bringing others into alignment with our values."

That's the quiet root of moral policing, an unconscious belief that we're helping when, in fact, we're colonizing.

This impulse shows up in subtle ways. We might try to convince a friend to see the world our way, correct a colleague's word choice, or push a family member toward our political beliefs. Even when we mean well, the message beneath is clear: I will accept you when you see things my way.

Psychologists link this to something called moral superiority bias, where people overestimate their own ethical awareness compared to others (1). For white women raised in environments that equate goodness with conformity, churches, PTA meetings, tight-knit neighborhoods, it feels natural to confuse "caring" with "converting."

Historical research reveals how deeply rooted this pattern is. White women have long served as what historian Elizabeth Gillespie McRae calls "grassroots leaders" of white supremacy, using their perceived moral authority to enforce racial and cultural hierarchies through seemingly benign institutions like schools, churches, and civic organizations (2). This legacy continues in modern forms, from workplace diversity committees to neighborhood watch groups, where white women's desire to "help" can inadvertently reinforce existing power structures.

The hard truth? Our culture has rewarded white women for being managers of morality. Whether through missionary work, reform movements, or school volunteerism, we've been socialized to see our way as the better way. It's why even our advocacy can slip into saviorism.

When Helping Becomes Harm: The Psychology of Rescue

In our conversation, I compared this pattern to a pushy salesperson, someone so convinced their product will improve your life that they stop listening altogether. My mom laughed, saying,

"Exactly! It's like inviting a vegetarian to a steakhouse and insisting they'll love it."

That metaphor isn't just funny; it's accurate. Social psychologists describe this dynamic as empathetic overreach, when we project our own values onto others under the guise of empathy (3). We believe we're helping, but we're actually centering ourselves.

Research on helping behavior shows that when assistance is provided without considering the recipient's actual needs or preferences, it can undermine their autonomy and self-efficacy (4). This is particularly damaging when the "helper" holds more social power than the person being "helped," as is often the case in cross-racial or cross-class interactions.

Letting people be doesn't mean apathy or disengagement. It means relinquishing the need to fix, persuade, or perform goodness through control. As the activist and writer adrienne maree brown reminds us, "What you pay attention to grows." When we focus our energy on controlling others, we grow defensiveness and division. When we focus on curiosity and respect, we grow connection.

Acceptance Is Not Agreement: Learning to Hold Space Without Control

One of the most powerful moments in the episode came when my mom said,

"Acceptance isn't agreement. It's not endorsement either. It's allowing someone to be where they are without trying to change them."

That distinction matters. In a time of political polarization, social media algorithms, and identity-driven outrage, many of us fear that accepting someone who believes differently might mean condoning their harm. But that's not what acceptance means.

Acceptance, in its healthiest form, acknowledges reality. It says, I see you as you are, not as I wish you to be. It invites dialogue instead of defensiveness. And it makes room for mutual transformation, because we can't change what we refuse to understand.

Research from the Greater Good Science Center at UC Berkeley shows that genuine acceptance and curiosity increase empathy and reduce dehumanization across ideological lines (5). Studies on intergroup dialogue demonstrate that when people feel heard and accepted for who they are, rather than pressured to change, they become more open to considering alternative perspectives (6).

Yet, culturally, white women are often taught to prize harmony over honesty. We smooth over tension to keep the peace, or we attempt to manage others' discomfort rather than our own. That avoidance only deepens the divides we say we want to heal.

White Supremacy and the Need for Control

To understand why this "need to fix" runs so deep, we have to name its roots in white supremacy. Whiteness has long been tied to entitlement over space, voice, and narrative. It's why white settlers justified colonization as "civilizing." It's why white missionaries traveled the globe to "save souls." And it's why white women, historically, have often served as the moral enforcers of this system, from the temperance movement to school boards to suburban parenting circles (7).

The connection between white femininity and cultural control has deep historical roots. During the colonial era, white women were positioned as the "civilizers" who would bring culture and morality to "savage" lands and peoples (8). This legacy continues in contemporary forms of what scholars call "white woman tears" and "white fragility," where white women's emotional responses to racial discomfort can derail conversations and recenter their feelings over others' experiences (9).

As author Layla Saad writes, "White supremacy doesn't require overt hatred; it thrives in the unexamined belief that white ways of being are superior" (10). When we try to bring others into our worldview without truly listening to theirs, we're not building bridges; we're reinforcing hierarchies. Real connection requires humility: the willingness to let someone else's experience stand on its own terms.

The Courage to Be Curious: Boundaries vs. Policing

Letting people be doesn't mean disengaging from injustice or ignoring harm. It means knowing the difference between boundaries and policing. As my mom put it in our episode,

"A boundary is when I speak about myself. Policing is when I tell someone else what they should do."

That distinction is life-changing. A boundary sounds like: "I need to step back from this conversation right now." Policing sounds like: "You can't say that." The first keeps us grounded in self-awareness; the second reasserts control.

Curiosity is the antidote. Curiosity asks, What shaped your belief? instead of How do I convince you you're wrong? It invites understanding without surrendering integrity.

Research on effective communication shows that questions asked with genuine curiosity, rather than rhetorical judgment, create openings for dialogue and reduce defensiveness (11). When people feel genuinely curious about their perspectives rather than interrogated or corrected, they're more likely to engage authentically and even reconsider their positions.

This practice doesn't come easily, especially for those of us raised in systems that equate certainty with safety. But as Brené Brown's research on vulnerability shows, authentic connection thrives in uncertainty. The more comfortable we become with not knowing, the deeper our empathy grows (12).

Moving From Conversion to Connection: Practical Steps Forward

So how do we, as white women committed to growth, practice letting people be?

1. Pause Before Persuading

Notice when you're trying to convince someone to see things your way. Ask yourself: Am I listening to understand or to correct? Research on active listening shows that most people spend conversation time preparing their response rather than truly hearing what's being said (13). Practice letting moments of silence exist without filling them with your perspective.

2. Interrogate Your Intentions

Even "good" actions, like enrolling in a dual-language program or leading a diversity book club, can perpetuate harm if they center your image rather than community need. Before engaging in spaces not originally designed for you, ask: Who was here first? What did they need this space for? How will my presence impact their access?

3. Practice Boundaries, Not Control

You can decline harmful conversations without needing to dominate them. A boundary protects your energy and values; control attempts to manage someone else's behavior. Learn to say, "I can't engage with this conversation," instead of "You shouldn't talk like that."

4. Stay Curious

Curiosity keeps us open. It lets us learn from difference instead of fearing it. When someone shares a perspective that challenges yours, try asking, "What experiences led you to that conclusion?" rather than immediately countering with your own view.

5. Accept Discomfort as a Teacher

Growth is uncomfortable by design. Neuroscience research shows that learning and change require a degree of discomfort; when we're too comfortable, our brains stay in familiar patterns (14). As we often say on the podcast, "Being right feels safer than being real." Choose real.

The Ongoing Work of Letting Go

Letting people be doesn't mean lowering your values. It means trusting that everyone's journey toward awareness looks different, and that yours isn't the gold standard.

As white women, we've been socialized to see ourselves as the caretakers of morality, harmony, and progress. But true care means listening more than leading, and allowing others to define what liberation looks like for them.

My mom ended our conversation with a line I keep returning to: "Authenticity requires boundaries, and curiosity can feel risky. But when we let go of the need to convert, we create room for connection."

That's the work, and the reward, of letting people be.

Stay curious, be open and keep waking up!

Jonelle

This article draws from conversations featured in the White Women Wake Up podcast, Episode 49: “The Hard Work of Letting People Be.” This article expands on that conversation, offering additional context and reflection.

References

1. Tappin, B. M., & McKay, R. T. (2017). The Illusion of Moral Superiority. Social Psychological and Personality Science, 8(6), 623-631.

2. McRae, E. G. (2018). Mothers of Massive Resistance: White Women and the Politics of White Supremacy. Oxford University Press.

3. Bloom, P. (2016). Against Empathy: The Case for Rational Compassion. Ecco Press.

4. Nadler, A. (2015). The Other Side of Helping: Seeking and Receiving Help. In D. A. Schroeder & W. G. Graziano (Eds.), The Oxford Handbook of Prosocial Behavior (pp. 307-328). Oxford University Press.

5. Keltner, D., Marsh, J., & Smith, J. A. (Eds.). (2010). The Compassionate Instinct: The Science of Human Goodness. W. W. Norton & Company.

6. Nagda, B. A., & Gurin, P. (2007). Intergroup Dialogue: A Critical-Dialogic Approach to Learning About Difference, Inequality, and Social Justice. New Directions for Teaching and Learning, 2007(111), 35-45. 

7. Newman, L. M. (1999). White Women's Rights: The Racial Origins of Feminism in the United States. Oxford University Press.

8. Stoler, A. L. (2002). Carnal Knowledge and Imperial Power: Race and the Intimate in Colonial Rule. University of California Press.

9. DiAngelo, R. (2018). White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism. Beacon Press.

10. Saad, L. F. (2020). Me and White Supremacy: Combat Racism, Change the World, and Become a Good Ancestor. Sourcebooks.

11. Huang, K., Yeomans, M., Brooks, A. W., Minson, J., & Gino, F. (2017). It Doesn't Hurt to Ask: Question-Asking Increases Liking. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 113(3), 430-452.

12. Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.

13. Weger Jr, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The Relative Effectiveness of Active Listening in Initial Interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13-31.

14. Immordino-Yang, M. H., Christodoulou, J. A., & Singh, V. (2012). Rest Is Not Idleness: Implications of the Brain's Default Mode for Human Development and Education. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 7(4), 352-364.