Loving Ourselves Loudly: Dismantling the Standards That Keep Us Small

As white women, many of us have witnessed and participated in the growing body positivity movement over the past several years, learning to openly embrace and celebrate diverse body types. Yet, quietly, behind closed doors and in reflective moments, we still confront intense shame when we look in the mirror. This shame, the deep-seated discomfort with our own bodies, is more than just personal insecurity—it's a learned pattern deeply rooted in white supremacy and patriarchy. Today, let’s unpack how our inherited bias toward thinness continues to keep us from true empowerment and self-acceptance.

How Inherited Shame Shapes Our Body Image: Breaking Free from Toxic Ideals

From a young age, many of us received messages about our bodies that went beyond mere suggestions about health or beauty. These messages were charged with moral judgment: being thin was not just ideal—it was good, disciplined, virtuous. Conversely, having a larger body became synonymous with laziness, lack of control, and moral failure.

In our recent episode of the White Women Wake Up podcast, my co-host Karen and I explored how these body ideals are not merely personal or cultural quirks—they're explicitly tied to a historical framework built by white supremacy. "We carry these biases about our bodies," we noted, "and these biases disconnect us from ourselves and others. Overcoming bias requires more than loving others—it demands truly loving ourselves"

The Racial Origins of Thinness: How White Supremacy Distorted Beauty Standards

Historically, thinness as an ideal emerged strongly during periods when white supremacy was tightening its grip on societal standards, notably the late 19th and early 20th centuries. Sabrina Strings, author of Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fat Phobia, meticulously documents how these beauty standards were explicitly developed within a racial context. Her research reveals that thinness was intentionally promoted as a superior white trait, designed to contrast and distance white women from the bodies of women of color, particularly Black women, who were unfairly associated with excess, indulgence, and lack of self-control. Strings argues that these associations were not accidental; they were strategically deployed to reinforce racial hierarchies, positioning white bodies as disciplined, morally upright, and desirable, thus cementing white racial superiority in societal norms. This slender ideal became deeply ingrained in cultural values and continues to influence perceptions of beauty, morality, and worth to this day.

Why Thinness Isn't Health: Challenging Body Image Myths

The widespread desire for thinness has also created a misleading picture of health in our society. It perpetuates the false assumption that thinness equates directly to good health, while larger bodies are automatically perceived as unhealthy. This misconception affects women and people of color disproportionately, as they frequently receive inadequate or biased medical care based solely on appearance. While there is no denying that being significantly overweight can lead to medical issues, it's crucial to recognize that health cannot be accurately assessed by appearance alone. There are numerous healthy individuals living in larger bodies, just as there are unhealthy individuals in thinner bodies. Genuine healthcare should be individualized, focusing on personal medical histories, lab results, and overall wellness rather than simplistic and prejudiced assumptions based on body size.

Healing Generational Body Shame: Personal Stories of Unlearning

Reflecting on my own upbringing, I can see just how deep these body image beliefs ran in my family. Karen and I talked about this on the podcast—how conversations around our bodies were often filled with tension, even if no one said anything outright. There was always this underlying message: being thin meant being good, lovable, worthy.

I remember the dread of doctor visits so clearly—standing on a cold scale, feeling eyes on me, getting pinched and poked like my body was something to fix. It wasn’t just uncomfortable; it was humiliating.

Karen shared some tough memories too. When she was eight, doctors used to pinch the fat on her body to measure it while her mom looked on, visibly uncomfortable. That shame didn’t start with us—it was passed down. And it’s wild how easily those moments become part of us, how they shape how we feel in our skin.

And it didn’t stop there. I remember when I was thinking about moving to Texas, and instead of focusing on the excitement, the conversations in our family turned to how my body might not "fit in" with the petite, polished Southern ideal. That stuck with me in a way I didn’t fully realize until we talked about it on the show.

This stuff runs deep. Karen talked openly about how hard it was to be a mom trying to support me while feeling pressure from the outside world. She wanted to love me just as I was, but the weight of those cultural expectations made it hard. And I felt it too—I was navigating my own body, my own shame, and there was no safe place to really talk about it.

What all this really shows is how inherited shame can get passed down without us even noticing. It isolates us from the people we love, and from ourselves. And if we want to stop the cycle, we have to start having these honest conversations. We have to name the harm, so we can begin to heal it—together.

How Body Shame Blocks Empowerment: Reclaiming Our Voices

As we chase unrealistic body standards, our energies get drained away from bigger, more important fights—like pushing for social justice, economic fairness, and real gender equality. The constant pursuit of thinness keeps us "hungry and fearful," just like we talked about on the podcast. And honestly, it’s no accident. It's a distraction that pulls us away from critical thinking, political action, and true empowerment.

But here's the deeper part I've been thinking about: If we still carry shame and bias against ourselves, how can we ever truly unlearn our biases toward others? Even if it feels like our self-judgment is "personal" and runs deeper than any bias we hold against someone else, it’s still part of the same harmful system. We’re still holding on to societal pressures that divide us rather than build real community.

There’s that old saying, "you can't love others until you love yourself," and while I get the sentiment, I don't totally agree. I think community often teaches us how to love ourselves. Being seen and accepted by others can crack something open inside us. But I do believe this: if we're still carrying hidden bias and shame toward ourselves, it’s going to be really hard to show up with true openness for someone else. That hidden bias becomes a barrier—keeping us guarded, judgmental, or disconnected, even when we don't mean it.

This is one of the biggest ways systems of oppression keep their hold on us. They turn our gaze inward, against ourselves, so we stay too exhausted and divided to change anything. If we want to dismantle these systems for real, it has to start inside too. Not through self-hatred disguised as self-improvement, but through radical honesty, radical compassion, and a willingness to see where our inherited beliefs are still blocking our growth.

Radical Self-Love and Body Positivity: A New Kind of Resistance

Breaking free from these inherited biases requires radical self-love—something easier said than done. Karen and I discussed strategies on our podcast:

1. Reflect on Inherited Ideals: Journal about the messages received growing up about weight, beauty, and health. Whose standards are these messages serving?

2. Challenge Internalized Fatphobia: Notice judgments towards your body. Ask yourself regularly: "Whose standards am I trying to meet?"

3. Affirm Your Body’s Worth Beyond Appearance: Choose tangible actions that honor your body—through rest, movement, gratitude, or gentle self-talk.

As Audre Lorde profoundly noted, "The master's tools will never dismantle the master's house." We cannot use the same methods—shame, restriction, self-hatred—that built our oppressive body standards to dismantle them. True empowerment lies in redefining our self-worth independently of these harmful paradigms.

Collective Healing: Unlearning Bias and Embracing Body Diversity

Our body shame does not serve us—it serves a system built to oppress. Unlearning these biases is an ongoing, challenging, yet profoundly liberating process. It's not simply a personal journey; it’s a collective responsibility. By addressing these issues openly and authentically, we begin to dismantle harmful standards for ourselves, for future generations, and for women everywhere.

Let’s commit to this unlearning together, replacing shame with empathy, restriction with nourishment, and silence with authentic, empowering dialogue.

We’re not broken. Our bodies are not the problem. It’s the system that needs fixing—and that starts with each of us loving ourselves enough to break free.

Stay Curious, Be Open and Keep Waking Up!

-Jonelle