Beyond the Trad Wife Debate: Why Modern Feminism Needs to Return to Choice, Not Judgment

What Feminism Really Means: Breaking Down the Walls of Misunderstanding

Feminism, at its core, pursues a straightforward goal: dismantling systemic barriers so women, and all gender-diverse people, can define their own lives without constraint. It champions choice, equality, and the freedom to live authentically. Yet in today's cultural climate, that message has become clouded by polarization and mischaracterization.

On one side, some feminists stand accused of rejecting femininity altogether. On the other, movements like "trad wife" culture portray feminism as an attack on motherhood, family, and tradition. Both perspectives distort what feminism actually represents. Feminism was never meant to prescribe one "right" way to be a woman; it was designed to expand possibilities and protect individual choice.

Somewhere along the way, we began mistaking liberation for lifestyle prescription.

The Truth About Women's Happiness: It's About Having Real Options

According to global surveys and research studies, women's happiness doesn't depend strictly on whether they work outside the home or stay home, it depends on having a real choice. In countries where more mothers have access to part-time or flexible work arrangements, maternal happiness and well-being increase significantly (2).

Research examining mothers' work pathways reveals important nuances. A comprehensive study tracking women's employment patterns found that mothers who maintain steady full-time employment throughout their lives experience better physical health outcomes by age 40 compared to those with interrupted work patterns (1). However, this doesn't mean working full-time is inherently "better." Rather, it highlights how continuous workforce participation, when chosen freely, can benefit long-term health.

The relationship between maternal employment and well-being is complex. Studies show that early maternal employment, particularly full-time work shortly after childbirth, is associated with increases in depressive symptoms and parenting stress (3). However, mothers who work 40+ hours per week when their infants are three months old report depressive symptoms that are 16-22% higher than other mothers (4). The key factor isn't work itself, it's whether mothers have autonomy over their employment decisions and access to supportive policies like paid leave.

Feminism's aim is to make all viable options accessible without judgment, guilt, or constraint. That means supporting both the mother who chooses to stay home and the mother who pursues a career, while advocating for policies that make either choice genuinely possible.

When Good Intentions Create New Constraints: The Problem with Policing Femininity

I've witnessed how well-meaning feminist parents can overcorrect, inadvertently creating new restrictions. They avoid anything coded as "feminine": no pink toys, steering daughters away from dolls, bristling when a little girl wants to wear sparkles. The intention, protecting girls from limiting gender stereotypes, is admirable. But when we remove the freedom to choose softness, nurturing, or traditionally feminine expressions, we've simply replaced one kind of constraint with another.

True empowerment means allowing a child to love trucks, dolls, science kits, and glitter nail polish all at once. It means teaching that identity isn't dictated by color palettes or social roles.

Colors, toys, and activities don't inherently belong to boys or girls, they simply reflect individual preference. Feminism should make room for all expressions of gender, not police them. Personal choices about how we express ourselves carry no inherent gender value. A girl who loves pink is no less feminist than one who rejects it. A woman who stays home is no less empowered than one who leads a corporation, provided both made that choice freely.

The Trad Wife Phenomenon: When Aesthetics Obscure Reality

On the opposite end of the spectrum sits the "trad wife" movement: social media's carefully curated re-packaging of the 1950s homemaker aesthetic. It sells an image of peace and purpose: the woman who leaves the workforce to bake artisanal bread, raise children, and "submit" to her husband out of love and devotion.

The problem isn't choosing domestic life, it's branding submission as empowerment and selling that contradiction as a lifestyle.

The Business Behind the Aesthetic

The glossy imagery of handmade bread and tidy homes disguises an important fact: this is a business model built on curated content, brand sponsorships, and monetization. What's being sold isn't authentic domestic life; it's the performance of purity and devotion, packaged for clicks and profit.

As research on parenting influencers reveals, these content creators reinforce traditional gender scripts while presenting them as authentic empowerment (6). Social media platforms amplify both gender diversity and backlash simultaneously, creating an online culture where traditional gender roles are aestheticized and financially rewarded.

TikTok alone has generated hundreds of millions of views under #tradwife, demonstrating how nostalgia and algorithmic visibility have transformed "traditional" marriage into an influencer economy (9). Leading figures in the movement include Hannah Neeleman of Ballerina Farm (10.5 million Instagram followers), Nara Smith (4.8 million followers), and numerous others who have built massive platforms around traditional homemaking content (9).

The Contradiction at the Heart of Trad Wife Culture

Many influencers leading this trend aren't actually living the simplicity they promote. They run monetized accounts, often employ childcare assistance, and curate picture-perfect homes while preaching that women should avoid paid work. Their message isn't about authenticity, it's about aesthetic control packaged for profit.

As scholars studying the tradwife movement note, these influencers are "business owners selling nostalgia for a past that never fully existed," at least not for most women (7). They hold their own financial freedom and independence, yet promote a life of submission for their followers. This creates a fundamental contradiction that exposes the movement's inauthenticity.

The Historical Reality Behind the Fantasy

Historically, the 1950s ideal represented a narrow slice of white, suburban America. It excluded women of color, working-class women, and LGBTQ+ women who didn't have the luxury of choosing whether to work. When predominantly white influencers romanticize that version of "tradition," they erase the real history of who carried domestic labor, and at what cost.

Research on tradwife influencers reveals connections to right-wing ideologies and emphasizes how the movement often draws from white, middle-class norms and values while ignoring diverse women's experiences (7). Some tradwife content has been linked to white supremacist and far-right origins, though many contemporary influencers distance themselves from these explicit associations.

Why Choice Is the True Heart of Feminism

Feminism celebrates choice. A woman choosing to stay home is just as feminist as one who pursues a high-powered career. The critical factor is that both have agency; that no path is deemed inherently superior, and no one is forced into a role by social expectation or ideological pressure.

The issue with the trad wife movement isn't homemaking itself; it's the messaging that submission is the only "right" way to live as a woman.

Submission vs. Partnership: Why the Distinction Matters

No adult should submit to another in a healthy relationship. Partnerships thrive on mutual respect and shared power, not hierarchical submission. When submission is glamorized and aestheticized, it teaches young women that obedience equals love. It replaces equality with hierarchy. That's not empowerment; it's regression dressed in vintage lace.

Behind the romanticized imagery lies invisible labor that deserves recognition. Research on parental well-being shows that mothers consistently report higher levels of stress and tiredness during caregiving activities than fathers, even when happiness scores are similar (5). This disparity reveals an imbalance in caregiving responsibilities that traditional gender roles can perpetuate.

Feminism doesn't deny the value of caregiving; it argues that care work deserves recognition, fair distribution between partners, and robust policy support. We can honor the labor of care without romanticizing the imbalance of it.

Confronting White Feminism: Why Inclusion Isn't Optional

Even mainstream feminism hasn't always lived up to its inclusive ideals. White feminism, of which I acknowledge being both a beneficiary and participant, has too often centered the struggles of white, middle-class women while marginalizing the experiences of women of color.

What White Feminism Looks Like

White feminism is a term used to describe expressions of feminism that focus on white women's experiences while failing to address distinct forms of oppression faced by women of color and other marginalized groups (12). It analyzes women's oppression through a single-axis framework, consequently erasing the identity and experiences of ethnic minority women.

Examples include:

• Fighting for workplace equality while overlooking wage gaps rooted in race (white women earn 78 cents to white men's dollar, but Black women earn 64 cents and Hispanic women only 56 cents)

• Celebrating the right to work without addressing safety or fair pay for all women

• Prioritizing issues affecting privileged women while ignoring systemic challenges faced by poor women, immigrant women, and disabled women

The Power of Intersectional Feminism

If feminism is to move forward authentically, it must expand who it speaks for. Intersectional feminism, a framework coined by legal scholar Kimberlé Crenshaw in 1989, reminds us that gender justice is inseparable from racial, economic, and social justice (10).

As Crenshaw explained, intersectionality is "a prism for seeing the way in which various forms of inequality often operate together and exacerbate each other" (11). It recognizes that a Black woman, a trans teenager, or a disabled migrant may face discrimination shaped by all parts of their identity, not just one.

Intersectional feminism asks white women like me to:

• Listen more than we lead

• Challenge our own comfort and privilege

• Make space for voices that history has systematically marginalized

• Recognize how our comfort may come at others' expense

As prominent Black feminist activist Valdecir Nascimento states: "The dialogue to advance Black women's rights should put them in the centre. We don't want others to speak for Black feminists, neither white feminists nor Black men" (11).

Finding Common Ground: What We're All Really Fighting For

The tragedy of today's feminist discourse is that we keep splintering into opposing camps. Feminists accuse trad wives of betraying progress; trad wives accuse feminists of hating family values. Each side digs deeper into caricature, while the truth sits quietly in the middle: we all want dignity, autonomy, and belonging.

If we could pause long enough to listen, we might realize we're fighting over the same fundamental thing: freedom.

• The freedom to choose work or home

• To wear pink or black

• To lead or nurture

• To love who we love

• To live without fear or apology

Research on children of working mothers reveals that kids of employed mothers actually grow into happy, well-adjusted adults, debunking the myth that maternal employment inherently harms children (8). What matters most is not whether a mother works, but whether she has support, resources, and genuine choice in her decision.

A Call Back to Feminism's Roots: Liberation Without Prescription

Modern feminism doesn't need a rebrand; it needs a return to its foundational principles. A reminder that equality isn't a trend, and liberation isn't one-size-fits-all. Our goal isn't sameness; it's respect for difference. It's recognizing that the power to choose freely is the most radical act of all.

For white women, that means:

• Using our privilege to widen the circle, not close it

• Challenging systems that favor us at others' expense

• Asking hard questions about how our comfort intersects with others' oppression

• Recognizing that feminism without true inclusion isn't liberation; it's maintenance of existing power structures

Moving Forward: A Vision for Inclusive Feminism

Maybe the next wave of feminism isn't about tearing each other down for how we live, dress, parent, or work. Maybe it's about returning to a simple, radical truth: everyone deserves the right to define their own life.

That's not extreme. That's not divisive. That's the promise feminism made from the start.

When we center choice over judgment, partnership over submission, and inclusion over exclusion, we create space for all women to thrive, regardless of whether they choose boardrooms or nurseries, career advancement or home education, independence or interdependence.

The path forward requires us to:

1. Honor all choices made freely: Whether a woman chooses to stay home, work full-time, or blend both

2. Recognize invisible labor: Acknowledge and value care work while advocating for fair distribution and policy support

3. Challenge aesthetic perfectionism: Question curated content that presents any lifestyle as effortlessly perfect

4. Center marginalized voices: Ensure feminism speaks to and for women across all identities and experiences

5. Reject false binaries: Understand that traditional and progressive, feminine and feminist aren't opposites

True feminism holds space for the executive and the homemaker, the scientist and the artist, the extrovert and the introvert. It celebrates diversity in how we express gender, pursue fulfillment, and construct meaningful lives.

Final Reflection: The Radical Act of Authentic Choice

At the end of the day, authentic feminism is beautifully simple: it fights for a world where every person has the resources, support, and freedom to design a life that reflects their values, passions, and authentic self.

Not the life Instagram tells them to want. Not the life their parents expected. Not the life that fits neatly into any ideological box.

Their life. Their choice. Their freedom. That's not just feminist, it's fundamentally human.

Stay curious, be open and keep waking up!

-Jonelle

References

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8. Harvard Business School. (2020). Kids of working moms grow into happy adults.

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10. Crenshaw, K. (1989). Demarginalizing the intersection of race and sex: A Black feminist critique of antidiscrimination doctrine,

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11. UN Women. (2020). Intersectional feminism: What it means and why it matters right now.

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