Beyond Nice: Unpacking Competition and Authenticity in White Female Friendships

We as white women genuinely love our friends. We plan the birthdays, we show up with soup, we text back with hearts. And still, under the surface, there are subtle, inherited habits that pull us apart. Habits we didn’t choose, but absorbed. Habits that quietly pit us against each other.

In this episode of White Women Wake Up, Karen and I explore the small, often invisible ways colonial values shape our friendships: competition disguised as concern, niceness masking discomfort, connection filtered through comparison. We’re not here to assign blame. We’re here to gently pull back the curtain and ask: is this friendship bringing us together as women-or subtly pulling us apart?

Friendship Through a Colonial Lens

To understand how modern white female friendships became entangled with competition and niceness, we have to look backward. Historically, white women in colonial societies were positioned not as autonomous agents but as extensions of men and enforcers of social order. Their social purpose-at least as defined by colonial systems-was to marry, reproduce, and uphold “civilized” norms. Community care wasn’t the goal; maintaining racial hierarchy and domestic order was.

White women were taught to see other white women as both allies and rivals. In a system that offered limited roles-wife, mother, moral compass-the scarcity mindset thrived. There was only so much power to go around, and proximity to white men was often the only way to claim it. Friendships, then, were filtered through a lens of utility and comparison.

This legacy shows up today in ways we may not always notice. When friendship becomes contingent on life stages (marriage, babies, career success), it echoes the colonial emphasis on productivity and conformity. When we feel threatened by another woman’s joy or ease, it taps into centuries of conditioning that told us our value depended on being chosen-by men, by peers, by systems.

One striking quote we heard recently puts it like this: "White women send their daughters out in the world just thinking about men, so they hurt each other just to get one. Black women don't have that luxury, so they learn to stick together." That’s not about moral superiority. It’s about different survival blueprints. For many Black and Brown communities, collective care and chosen family have long been lifelines. For many white women, competition was passed down as a tool of assimilation.

These patterns aren't about innate differences-they reflect what we’ve inherited. And they also point us toward what we can choose to unlearn.

How Colonial Habits Still Show Up Today

It’s easy to look back at colonial society and see how white women were pitted against each other. But in modern friendships, those dynamics haven’t disappeared-they’ve just become more subtle. Many of us still carry inherited habits that reflect a scarcity mindset, even if we don’t realize it.

It might sound like congratulating a friend but quietly feeling smaller inside. It might look like being overly accommodating because deep down, you’re afraid of losing connection. It might be celebrating a friend’s success while also wondering if there's still room for your own.

Here are some examples of how these patterns play out today:

- Withholding vulnerability out of fear of seeming less accomplished or emotionally

“needy.”

- Measuring friendships by milestones-who got married, who had kids, who got the

promotion-as if life is a race and you're falling behind.

- Performing supportiveness on social media while privately feeling resentment or

envy.

- Gossiping as a way to bond with one friend over the shortcomings of another.

- Keeping the peace is used to shut down discomfort, rather than leaning in with care.

These are not failures of character-they’re echoes of systems that taught us love is scarce, worth is conditional, and connection is earned by being desirable, agreeable, or useful.

And the good news? Once we see it, we can shift it.

Let’s take a closer look at these patterns:

The Polished Mask: Withholding Vulnerability

So many of us learned early on that being "too much"-too emotional, too sensitive, too honest-meant we might be rejected. So we polish ourselves before we show up. We share the cleaned-up version of our day, our lives, our heartbreaks. We stay upbeat when we’re exhausted, say "I'm fine" when we're anything but.

But when we hold back the hard stuff, we also hold back intimacy. Friendships become performances of support rather than places of refuge.

Practice Tip: Start by sharing something small but real. Instead of “It’s all good,” try “I’m feeling a little overwhelmed this week.” Notice who responds with presence-and who pulls away.

And if you're the friend on the receiving end of that vulnerability, practice staying present. Don’t judge or minimize what’s being shared. Don’t pivot to your own story too quickly. Just listen. Affirm. And resist the urge to fix it.

Timeline Traps: Measuring by Milestones

Modern friendship can quietly turn into a scoreboard. Engagements, babies, promotions, the perfect vacation. Social media accelerates the pace, and before we know it, we’re silently calculating where we fall on the invisible timeline of "success."

This is the colonial scarcity mindset in action. If someone else has what you want, you feel further behind. If you're the one “ahead,” you might downplay it to stay likable.

Practice Tip: Next time you feel comparison creeping in, pause. Can you celebrate your friend’s win and stay grounded in your own path? Try journaling one thing you’re proud of that has nothing to do with timelines.

And if you're the friend who's currently hitting milestones or moving fast, practice holding space for your friend who feels behind. Celebrate your wins without shrinking them, but also stay tender to the places where your friend might be grieving or doubting. Be the kind of friend who makes room for both joy and complexity.

Instagram Isn’t Intimacy: Performing Support

You post the birthday story. You like the engagement photos. You write “So proud of you!!” with ten exclamation points. And you mean it-mostly. But there's a pang, too.

Sometimes we perform closeness online while avoiding deeper presence offline. It’s not about guilt-it’s about noticing the gap between what we show and what we feel.

Practice Tip: Make space for honesty beneath the emoji. If you feel jealousy, name it to yourself with compassion. And remember: compassion for yourself will ultimately make you a better friend. When you can hold space for your own complex emotions without judgment, you're more likely to offer that same grace to others. 

When Gossip Becomes Glue

We all know the thrill of that whispered moment: “Did you hear what happened?” It creates instant intimacy, like you’re on the inside. But if we bond through judgment, trust gets thinner over time.

Gossip is often a stand-in for vulnerability. It’s easier to talk about someone else’s drama than admit we’re lonely, left out, or unsure.

Practice Tip: When tempted to gossip, pause and ask yourself: What am I needing right now? Connection? Reassurance? A safe place to vent? See if you can name that need directly instead.

These aren’t just bad habits. They’re survival strategies we’ve outgrown. And every time we choose truth over performance, we build friendships that can hold us-for real.

Emotional Policing in the Name of Niceness

Sometimes, what we call "keeping the peace" is actually emotional policing. When difficult topics come up-politics, racism, discomfort in a friendship dynamic-there's often someone in the group who steps in with, "Let’s not go there," or "This isn’t the time." It’s framed as protecting the friendship. But often, it protects the status quo.

For many white women, this instinct comes from a long social history of being rewarded for agreeableness. But silencing complexity doesn’t make it go away. It just forces it underground-where it simmers into resentment, disconnection, or worse.

We’ve seen it happen in our own lives and our listeners’ stories: friendships that dissolve not because someone spoke their truth, but because no one was allowed to.

Practice Tip: If you feel the urge to shut down a conversation, pause and ask why. Are you protecting peace-or your own discomfort? Try saying, “This feels hard to talk about, but I want to understand,” instead of redirecting or retreating.

Authenticity Is a Practice

So what do we do with all this?

We stop centering comfort and start telling the truth. Authenticity isn't a buzzword; it's a discipline. It's showing up as our full selves, not just our filtered ones. It's naming competition when it creeps in. It's choosing curiosity over comparison.

It's also about repair. Jonelle told a story about a moment when Karen's past pattern of passive-aggressive communication showed up in a hurtful way. Instead of cutting ties or pretending it was fine, her brother responded with humor and clarity, sending Karen a book about passive-aggressiveness and asking for her design opinion. It was a funny moment-but also a turning point.

That kind of honesty takes courage. But it's the foundation of friendship that lasts.

Next Steps: Practicing Real Friendship

Here are a few ways to move from "nice" to real:

1. Notice your inner monologue. When a friend shares good news, do you feel a pang of comparison? Acknowledge it without shame.

2. Replace politeness with presence. Try saying what you mean, gently and directly. It might feel awkward at first-that's okay.

3. Audit your circles. Who do you feel free to be messy with? Who feels like a performance? Get curious about why.

4. Interrupt gossip. Even if it starts as concern, ask yourself: Would I say this if they were here? Can I bring it directly to them instead?

5. Name your needs. You don't have to wait until you're resentful. Practice asking for what you need before it becomes a crisis.

Friendship isn't about always getting it right. It's about staying in the room. It's about choosing honesty over harmony, again and again.

And here's the good news: We don't have to compete. There's room for all of us to grow.

Stay curious, be open, and keep waking up.

-Jonelle